The Truth About Misgendering

My Honest Mistake and What I Learned From It.

It happened again. A simple slip of the tongue "she" when I meant to say "they." A mistake that was made in a split second spiraled into an awkward, cringe-worthy moment that I couldn't undo. It felt terrible, but the real question is, whose feelings was I focused on?

😳 The Mistake: Misgendering a colleague with a sincere but flustered apology.

😫 The Aftermath: My apology became a long, drawn-out monologue about my own guilt.

🧐 The Realization: I was centering my own feelings, not my colleague's.

It’s easy to get caught up in our own discomfort when we make a mistake. We want to be forgiven, to be told it’s "okay." But when it comes to someone's gender identity, a clumsy apology can do more harm than good. We put the burden on the misgendered person to soothe our feelings and makes them feel like their identity is an inconvenience.

So, What's the Right Way?

It's time to stop making it about you. The most respectful and empathetic thing you can do is to correct yourself quickly and move on.

✅ Keep it short and sweet. A simple correction and a quick apology are all you need. "I meant to say 'they.' My apologies."

✅ Focus on the other person. The apology is for them, not for you. You are apologizing for causing them harm, not for your own embarrassment.

✅ Your actions matter more than your words. The best way to show you're serious about getting it right is to simply get it right the next time.

❌ Don't make excuses. You don't need to explain why you slipped up.

❌ Don't act like a victim. Don't say things like "This is so hard" or "I'm trying so hard."

The Big Picture

Using correct pronouns is a matter of basic respect, not political correctness. It’s a simple way to show someone that you see and value them for who they are.

By shifting our focus from our own feelings of guilt to the feelings of those we have misgendered, we can create more inclusive spaces.It’s a small change that can make a massive difference.